Strong

What are your passion?
Something that you can not stop doing. It does no matter how many times you fail. It does no matter if you won’t achieve it. It does not matter if people around you are telling you that is not easy, that you won’t make it, that it happens one in a million.
Something you are doing not for money. Something you are doing not to proof to others.
Something you are doing for you. Because it is the only thing that makes you breathe. The only thing that makes you feel alive.

https://youtu.be/O-h6eDQJDls

My passion for example is photography.
Sometimes it makes me feel lost, asking my self why I am doing it as sometimes it does not let me pay the bills or have the time to have a social life, make me feel overwhelmed and specially make me feel lost. Yes sometimes my passion doesn’t pay for all the efforts I put into it.
So why am I doing it? Because without I can not breathe. Photography is the only thing that let me switch off all the problems. When I go out with my camera, when I do a photographic project, I can breathe. In that moment, everything is gone. Bills, work, money, anything is gone. I can breathe. I am free.
That’s why I love to take stories of other people with a passion. I don’t mind which one is. The truth is that I realise in somehow all of us feel the same way. Lost, overwhelmed and not sure if you are going to make it.
I love to find and take the stories of those people because when they talk about their passion a light in their eyes spark. I know it sounds stupid but it is true. You see happiness even if their passion and reach their dreams is not easy. You see in them happiness and freedom.

That’s why in September I went to Italy for a month.
I followed Rawan Saydo Mimi on his journey trying to become a professional body builder.
There was a competition where they would have given the pro card which if you win it, you are going to be recognised worldwide as a professional body builder.
I went there and I stayed with him for 3 weeks. Every day. Recording him on his “normal” life, at the gym, training with his coach and of course at the competition. He talks about his journey to get where he is now. All the efforts he puts in it. All the insults he got and still get.
I wanted to show his feelings and all the efforts he put into this sport, into his passion.

So I hope you will like it. I hope is going to inspire you. I hope it will make you feel that you can do it. Whoever you are. Whatever is your passion. I hope will let you understand to never give up on yourself.

As always thank you so much to have pass by. I will see you next.

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Foreign in London: Alex

Hi, my name is Alex and I came to London at the end of August 2011.
I finished university in Romania in Geography of Tourism. I did a master’s and I found a good job as a travel agent. The job was in the field that I studied which was nice. It was an office job. I was learning a lot but in Romania even with a job you can’t afford to live in a rented house so I was living with my parents. I was 24 years old so it wasn’t that bad.
My ex-boyfriend at that time had a sister living in Italy and another one in London. We wanted to leave Romania so we picked UK because we both speak English and we thought it’s going to be easier.
A friend of his was living across the street from a pub. When I arrived to London we first went to his flat to leave the luggage and then we went straight to this pub for a pint. It was the first place I have been in London and it turned out I will be working in that pub for the next four years and a half.
At some point… I think it was about three months since I have been here, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I had about 3 pounds in my account and I didn’t have a place to sleep. There were lots of people that helped me – surprisingly – because I only knew them for a few months.
Most of the friends I have in London now, I met them through the pub. All my life was there.
We were having fun and we felt comfortable, like a family. It was fun and that’s why I stayed for 4 years and half, and also you get in a routine were you lose yourself. When you work in a pub you work late shifts, you finish late and then you want to drink because you were serving people the whole day and in the end you need a pint. You stay up till 5 in the morning. Go home. Sleep and then wake up, take a shower and go back to work. It’s a different lifestyle which is hard to get out of, and quite easy to get into. It’s fun but I knew I didn’t want to do that for the rest of my life. Plus time passes really fast… A problem with everybody in London I think.
Once I was in the pub on a morning shift and I was feeling a bit frustrated. I was cleaning the candleholders and thinking “What am I doing with my life?” I decided I want to do something I am going to be passionate about. The idea came with forensics science. You are doing something that’s going to make the world better, I know it sounds a bit pretentious but you are helping to solve cases and catch bad guys. Justice. I applied but I thought I would never get in. But they said yes. At the same time I found a part time job as a receptionist for a private student accommodation. Of course I quit working in the pub.
Now… Now I am on my last year of studying. Still working part time as a receptionist in the same place. With the people I was really good friends I’m still managing to stay in touch even if we don’t text every day or every month. I see them and it’s like we didn’t see each other from yesterday. It comes naturally. With others I’m a bit sad we lost touch but it does happen. People come and go and you are busy as well… but I think the good ones just stick with you. No matter what happens in life. It’s like socks in a washing machine. Some of them get lost on the way while some others stick to the tumbler.
I think that life gives you things even if you don’t see it and then when you have all these things together you kind of need to make that step, even if it’s scary. So if you want something hard enough, you have the power to make it happen.

Starting to blog

Hi everyone and welcome to this blog.
I decided to start it as I am starting to take my journey…
Where? Well I am not sure yet.
In the last years I started to discover a bit more of myself, and this year I would like to make it the year of changes.

The first change is trying to develop more documentary photography. I love talking to people and telling their story from their own prospective. I feel grateful that somebody opens up with me and lets me take their portrait.
I am still researching my portrait style but I know it will come at one point with more practice and experience.

The second change… landscape. I never tried it before and last year I started to realize that I really like it. Quite tough though and I am still learning but I like to go for walks or going for a ride with my bicycle on my own and just stay there, finding a place that inspires me, trying to find a composition and waiting for the weather to be the way I want it. I am still not really good at it but I am working on it.
Landscape photography helps me clear my mind. It makes me feel at peace with myself.

The third change… well. I just bought a van and in the end of May I am going to start living in it. It is not converted yet which is going to happen in the next months.
End of May because the contract of the house I am living in will end by then so I decided that my adventure will start from there. It’s anyway already started as in the meantime I am trying as well to be a freelance photographer while I am working full time as a bookbinder and yes… As you understood already, I would like to start a nomad life with photography as a job.

I know it won’t be easy and I know it will take a really long time to be a pro photographer and of course find my balance by living in the van, but it’s something I know I have to do.
From when I had this idea I feel lighter and happy. Yes. I am scared. Am I doing the right thing? Will it be dangerous? Will I be able to support myself only with photography? Do I really want to jump in this adventure, as I am not that young anymore and I never done something like it? Is it going to work? Lots of questions but in the end… which question about life actually has an answer?
What I know is that I don’t want to look back one day and regret I didn’t try.
With time, patience and hard work everything is possible. I think.

By sharing my adventure with you from the start I hope I will help you be inspired and learn from my mistakes and my achievement to find your own path.
So welcome to this blog. Subscribe to the newsletter to have updates on new posts or drop me an email even if it’s just to say hi.
Have a happy life and a big smile. Always forward. I’ll see you on the second post.

“My journey” the story of…

I had the privilege to meet this amazing person and had the opportunity to HEAR her story.
I am glad she opened with me and wanted to share her story with the world.
As her wish I will not publish her name and show her face

It’s hard to say what happened. I think it was numbers of things to lead me to not like who I was. So it wasn’t just one thing it was lots of things and the feelings of self hate that was so strong I didn’t know what to do with it.

Started of just using blunt things and then it progressing to piece of plastic that were broken.
The feelings, the emotions and thoughts, everything I had while I did it. Didn’t exist. It numbs the emotional pain. For me these were more unbearable than physical pain.
I started to pull the sleeves down. It was really slow to start of with and the thought to use really sharp object haven’t passed my mind. Not at that point.
Then I had a friend that also self harm who gave me a raiser. Once I got that it was an obsession. Constant. I couldn’t be a day without doing it.

My arm was the start. My legs, my stomach. I got one point where I got to choose a part of the body that wasn’t already cut and that’s why I progressed to the other parts of the body. I liked to find new flesh cause I liked to see it. I liked to watch it. If you do it over already cut flesh… for me wouldn’t have the same impact.

In my brain I deserve it. I’m a bad person. It was numbers of emotions and feelings. All of that became addicted. I supposed it’s the same way you start smoking. You know it’s no good for you but you want a cigarette.
Because I hated my self I really enjoyed hurting my self. So there was enjoyed in it. I was fascinated with the human body. If I was feeling really really bad I could push really hard. When I pushed really hard as I swiped the raiser you can literally see the flesh open up. You can see what is inside. It doesn’t instantly bleed. It takes few second. One it starts it’s really hard to stop…

I cut my wrist. Cause I wasn’t living at home I was always trying to build a relation ship with my mum. Cause I loved her and missed her but I don’t know. She wasn’t able to have a relationship with me. There was often visits organised by social workers and staff. She just wasn’t show up. One time she basically told me… I can’t even remember what it was. To me was a rejection. It was like she didn’t want anything to do with me and I was 16. The rejection from my mum was… I think was probably one of the only time I cut to die if that make any sense. All the others time it was cuts to relieve. To make living bearable. It was one of only time I remember cutting cause I actually didn’t want to live and that’s why I did cut my wrist.

I remember people telling me “there is a light at the end of the tunnel” and I was just like “there is no light. I can’t see it. It’s too fucking dark”

I never completely stopped until I felt pregnant.
I guess once I felt pregnant and my experience been in care. I knew if I didn’t stop then my child would be probably taken away from me and put into cares and it’s no something I wanted to. So it was having my first child that made me think “ok, I need to stop”.
Not for me but for my child.

Maybe I did few times in a year after my mum died and then stopped again until I separate from my husband. I didn’t do it straight away after we separated. Must be a year or so after. I guess I was just trying to hold it together and I couldn’t hold it together for much longer. To deal with the pain I had to make pain.

Now i’m not doing it. I don’t feel I need to. I have moments. It’s a pattern when things are difficult it’s the first thing I think to do but just because I think to do it doesn’t mean I do.
I just tell my self now it’s going to pass. The feelings are going to pass. I guess. Tomorrow is a new day and you might not feel the same tomorrow.
Life can be really really tough but it can be also really really nice.

Just talk. That’s all I say to anybody I know or I come across.
It’s not something you opening discuss. It’s something you hide it like something to be ashamed of. Just find somebody to talk to and don’t give up.

A short story of Loneliness

Have you ever felt lonely?
I’m not a person that can complain about it too much. I have my family, I have my friends. But it’s true that from when I’m in London I always had this feeling of loneliness.

In the beginning for the language. Couldn’t understand and couldn’t talk. That means couldn’t express my self. Of course with the time spent in here meeting people and speaking only English helped. Now I don’t have any problem about it. Somehow I always can express my self.

For friends. Trying to build up friendships is not that easy. But again I can’t complain that much in this. I am always surrounded by good people. With good people I don’t mean perfect. Lots of arguments in between but I’m not that perfect either. I lost lots of friendships from when I’m here cause unfortunately sometimes you have to choose who makes you feel good or bad. The friends I have now are the ones we put the effort to built up a nice friendship. We are close to each other. Although right now all of them left. Some back in their country. Some quite far to meet up every day for a pint and a chat.
I’m here. Yep. By my self. I know if I really need something I can always call them and sure they will be here for me.

So…anyway…why I still feel so lonely?
Maybe because in the last year I was looking for a partner. Yeah I know. Stupid eh?
To be happy you have to be happy by yourself. True. I agree. But I believe you are happier when you can share things with someone else. Well. That’s what I think. Actually what I feel.
For two years I’ve been by my self. Last year I decided to try to find my partner. As I been in only one relationship for really long time. But this is another story.

Last year I date lots of people. Well…a lot. For me seems a lot. Trying to find my partner. Unfortunately for any of them I was the correct one.
Am I that bad?
All of them always told me that I am a nice person. That they have great times with me cause I’m making them smile. That they think high of me but just they are not ready for something serious. Strange. It seems I always find myself at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I’m writing this cause I just been left again by someone.
I promised to my self to stop dating people but somehow I would really like to meet someone. Getting old and trying to know and build up something takes time.
I don’t know why I started to date this person. Was made me laugh and it felt nice. But again. Wrong place at the wrong time.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging them. Everyone has to do what makes them happy and unfortunately because of this sometimes you hurt someone else. Not because you are bad. It’s just human nature I think.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Just to share something maybe?
You can laugh at me. Yes you that right now are reading. You can judge. You can say something. Bad or good.
I just wanted to share this cause I think I’m not the only one.