How are you?

Hi everyone. I hope all of you are good and safe. How is going your quarantine? Are you bored? Did you do anything creative? Did you manage to think about your life and what you would like to do after the lockdown?

I have been quite in this period. I didn’t manage to think of what to write and share with you. Not because I wasn’t inspired but more because I thought that you needed time to stay on your own and think of your self and your family. I kind of didn’t want to bother you if make sense.

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Limone, Garda Lake – Italy

I decided to write now cause I would like to know how are you and what have you been up to during this weird, new times we are living.

About me. Well, I started to work part time in the beginning of this year as I wanted to have more time for my self and trying to make a living with my passion for photography. In case you didn’t my main job is bookbinding. But because of the situation I am back full time as the owner asked me to. One because not many can work and second because I am going to work by bike and I don’t use transports. From about 50 people we are now in 4.

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Limone, Garda Lake – Italy

In the meantime I am putting down a plan for when we will be able to go around again.
I am creating an online course of photography. Yes you heard. I won’t tell you more as I don’t want to spoil it. If you are interested just subscribe on the newsletter or just go to this Facebook page so that you can have updates specially because I am thinking that when the course will be ready the first 10 people that will enjoy it can have a nice discount… but don’t tell to anyone so you can be one of them.

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Limone, Garda Lake – Italy

Of course I am checking places where to go and really looking forward for when these days will come. I am planning lots of cycling and camping. For these future journeys you can follow my Youtube channel where I will share them with you so like me you can see new places and maybe visit them as well one day. I mean, why not?

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Limone, Garda Lake – Italy

That’s all I have to say. Let me know how are you and if you are planning anything for after this period will end. In the meantime stay safe and be kind.

I will see you next. Ciao.

Pro&Cons Vanlife in London

Hello everyone, hope you are having a good week.
This time I want to share with you some pro and cons that I found by living in the van in London. It is a while now from when I started van life and I decided to put together for you some of my experiences.
If you don’t like to read and you prefer to watch videos no worries. I create for you that too. Just head to my YouTube channel to find out these pro and cons and if you like the content don’t forget to subscribe.
Anyway back to us. Let’s start with the cons.

London Eye
London Eye at sunrise

Cons number 1
View. You don’t wake up in a nice field with a nice view. You are on the street. So forget about to wake up and look to a nice landscape. The best thing you might be able to look at are foxes eating kebabs from what people left. Yep it happened while I was sleeping in a car park.

Cons number 2
Silence. You certainly don’t want people know you are living in your van and park in front of their houses. Don’t get me wrong, some people don’t have a problem with it but some others might be. So it is better avoid problems and keep silence while you are in the van. So you are acting like you are dead, which is not funny specially when you are back in the van in the afternoon and you still have the rest of the day to go.

Cons number 3
Food. Because I don’t want to make any noise in the van I stopped to cook. I love food and I love to cook. So basically my meals are made from food that is already prepared, bought from supermarkets like sandwiches or crisps. Of course sometimes I am going to visit some friends, thanks to them I can have a nice meal while I am staying in the city because of my full time job.

Cons number 4
Parking. I don’t like to go to work with the van because near to my job there aren’t too many spaces where to park, plus I finish work at 4PM and the traffic is insane. I prefer to go around London with my bicycle but by doing this I need to leave the van somewhere. Here is the problem. In London during the day there are Pay and Display. This mean that a certain times of the day you need to pay to park. So I need to find every time a place where to leave the van without this rule cause it can be quite expensive during the whole month and It is not easy to find parking space where there aren’t Pay and Display.

Sunrise in Putney
River Thames at sunrise

Now I am sure you are wondering what the pros are. Well one pro that I found is that actually you save money. You need to be careful to don’t spend too much in food though. As I was saying because I stopped cooking sometimes I like to have a nice meal without annoying friends. Eat out in London can be quite expensive. So if you are careful with this, you can actually save money.

Another pro is the parking space. What? You just said is a cons… Yes I said so but I said is a cons during the day. Pay and Display are only at a certain times of the day. The maximum I found until now is 7PM. After that you can park for free. This mean you can basically park anywhere without paying and this is mean you can sleep anywhere. I park my van in main roads and not in small roads. This is because I feel safer.

These pro and cons are coming from my experiences living in the van until now. Of course yours might be different or some might be similar to mine. It depends on your experiences and of course on your self as we are all different.

Now I decided to share my stories with you not only because of the van or because of photography… I believe there is no failure in what we decide to do, at list from my point of view. There is what you want and your experiences. Do what you feel… of course in respect of others, please remember this, you are not the only one in this world. Respect the places where you are going and of course respect your self. Try things! Because by trying things you discover more of your self, what you like and what you don’t like. You never know where you might end up. I mean I never thought I would be able to speak a second language, I never thought I would lived in a different country and specially I never thought I would live in a van and find out that I love to take photos and share with you my stories. The good experiences will stay with you and from the bad ones you learn.

I am done for today. Hope you enjoy the reading and thank you so much to have passed by. Don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter so I can keep you update with new posts.

I will see you next. Ciao.

Starting to blog

Hi everyone and welcome to this blog.
I decided to start it as I am starting to take my journey…
Where? Well I am not sure yet.
In the last years I started to discover a bit more of myself, and this year I would like to make it the year of changes.

The first change is trying to develop more documentary photography. I love talking to people and telling their story from their own prospective. I feel grateful that somebody opens up with me and lets me take their portrait.
I am still researching my portrait style but I know it will come at one point with more practice and experience.

The second change… landscape. I never tried it before and last year I started to realize that I really like it. Quite tough though and I am still learning but I like to go for walks or going for a ride with my bicycle on my own and just stay there, finding a place that inspires me, trying to find a composition and waiting for the weather to be the way I want it. I am still not really good at it but I am working on it.
Landscape photography helps me clear my mind. It makes me feel at peace with myself.

The third change… well. I just bought a van and in the end of May I am going to start living in it. It is not converted yet which is going to happen in the next months.
End of May because the contract of the house I am living in will end by then so I decided that my adventure will start from there. It’s anyway already started as in the meantime I am trying as well to be a freelance photographer while I am working full time as a bookbinder and yes… As you understood already, I would like to start a nomad life with photography as a job.

I know it won’t be easy and I know it will take a really long time to be a pro photographer and of course find my balance by living in the van, but it’s something I know I have to do.
From when I had this idea I feel lighter and happy. Yes. I am scared. Am I doing the right thing? Will it be dangerous? Will I be able to support myself only with photography? Do I really want to jump in this adventure, as I am not that young anymore and I never done something like it? Is it going to work? Lots of questions but in the end… which question about life actually has an answer?
What I know is that I don’t want to look back one day and regret I didn’t try.
With time, patience and hard work everything is possible. I think.

By sharing my adventure with you from the start I hope I will help you be inspired and learn from my mistakes and my achievement to find your own path.
So welcome to this blog. Subscribe to the newsletter to have updates on new posts or drop me an email even if it’s just to say hi.
Have a happy life and a big smile. Always forward. I’ll see you on the second post.

“My journey” the story of…

I had the privilege to meet this amazing person and had the opportunity to HEAR her story.
I am glad she opened with me and wanted to share her story with the world.
As her wish I will not publish her name and show her face

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It’s hard to say what happened. I think it was numbers of things to lead me to not like who I was. So it wasn’t just one thing it was lots of things and the feelings of self hate that was so strong I didn’t know what to do with it.

Started of just using blunt things and then it progressing to piece of plastic that were broken.
The feelings, the emotions and thoughts, everything I had while I did it. Didn’t exist. It numbs the emotional pain. For me these were more unbearable than physical pain.
I started to pull the sleeves down. It was really slow to start of with and the thought to use really sharp object haven’t passed my mind. Not at that point.
Then I had a friend that also self harm who gave me a raiser. Once I got that it was an obsession. Constant. I couldn’t be a day without doing it.

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My arm was the start. My legs, my stomach. I got one point where I got to choose a part of the body that wasn’t already cut and that’s why I progressed to the other parts of the body. I liked to find new flesh cause I liked to see it. I liked to watch it. If you do it over already cut flesh… for me wouldn’t have the same impact.

In my brain I deserve it. I’m a bad person. It was numbers of emotions and feelings. All of that became addicted. I supposed it’s the same way you start smoking. You know it’s no good for you but you want a cigarette.
Because I hated my self I really enjoyed hurting my self. So there was enjoyed in it. I was fascinated with the human body. If I was feeling really really bad I could push really hard. When I pushed really hard as I swiped the raiser you can literally see the flesh open up. You can see what is inside. It doesn’t instantly bleed. It takes few second. One it starts it’s really hard to stop…

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I cut my wrist. Cause I wasn’t living at home I was always trying to build a relation ship with my mum. Cause I loved her and missed her but I don’t know. She wasn’t able to have a relationship with me. There was often visits organised by social workers and staff. She just wasn’t show up. One time she basically told me… I can’t even remember what it was. To me was a rejection. It was like she didn’t want anything to do with me and I was 16. The rejection from my mum was… I think was probably one of the only time I cut to die if that make any sense. All the others time it was cuts to relieve. To make living bearable. It was one of only time I remember cutting cause I actually didn’t want to live and that’s why I did cut my wrist.

I remember people telling me “there is a light at the end of the tunnel” and I was just like “there is no light. I can’t see it. It’s too fucking dark”

I never completely stopped until I felt pregnant.
I guess once I felt pregnant and my experience been in care. I knew if I didn’t stop then my child would be probably taken away from me and put into cares and it’s no something I wanted to. So it was having my first child that made me think “ok, I need to stop”.
Not for me but for my child.

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Maybe I did few times in a year after my mum died and then stopped again until I separate from my husband. I didn’t do it straight away after we separated. Must be a year or so after. I guess I was just trying to hold it together and I couldn’t hold it together for much longer. To deal with the pain I had to make pain.

Now i’m not doing it. I don’t feel I need to. I have moments. It’s a pattern when things are difficult it’s the first thing I think to do but just because I think to do it doesn’t mean I do.
I just tell my self now it’s going to pass. The feelings are going to pass. I guess. Tomorrow is a new day and you might not feel the same tomorrow.
Life can be really really tough but it can be also really really nice.

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Just talk. That’s all I say to anybody I know or I come across.
It’s not something you opening discuss. It’s something you hide it like something to be ashamed of. Just find somebody to talk to and don’t give up.

A short story of Loneliness

Have you ever felt lonely?
I’m not a person that can complain about it too much. I have my family, I have my friends. But it’s true that from when I’m in London I always had this feeling of loneliness.

IMG_9728In the beginning for the language. Couldn’t understand and couldn’t talk. That means couldn’t express my self. Of course with the time spent in here meeting people and speaking only English helped. Now I don’t have any problem about it. Somehow I always can express my self.

For friends. Trying to build up friendships is not that easy. But again I can’t complain that much in this. I am always surrounded by good people. With good people I don’t mean perfect. Lots of arguments in between but I’m not that perfect either. I lost lots of friendships from when I’m here cause unfortunately sometimes you have to choose who makes you feel good or bad. The friends I have now are the ones we put the effort to built up a nice friendship. We are close to each other. Although right now all of them left. Some back in their country. Some quite far to meet up every day for a pint and a chat.
I’m here. Yep. By my self. I know if I really need something I can always call them and sure they will be here for me.

So…anyway…why I still feel so lonely?
Maybe because in the last year I was looking for a partner. Yeah I know. Stupid eh?
To be happy you have to be happy by yourself. True. I agree. But I believe you are happier when you can share things with someone else. Well. That’s what I think. Actually what I feel.
For two years I’ve been by my self. Last year I decided to try to find my partner. As I been in only one relationship for really long time. But this is another story.

Last year I date lots of people. Well…a lot. For me seems a lot. Trying to find my partner. Unfortunately for any of them I was the correct one.
Am I that bad?
All of them always told me that I am a nice person. That they have great times with me cause I’m making them smile. That they think high of me but just they are not ready for something serious. Strange. It seems I always find myself at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I’m writing this cause I just been left again by someone.
I promised to my self to stop dating people but somehow I would really like to meet someone. Getting old and trying to know and build up something takes time.
I don’t know why I started to date this person. Was made me laugh and it felt nice. But again. Wrong place at the wrong time.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging them. Everyone has to do what makes them happy and unfortunately because of this sometimes you hurt someone else. Not because you are bad. It’s just human nature I think.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Just to share something maybe?
You can laugh at me. Yes you that right now are reading. You can judge. You can say something. Bad or good.
I just wanted to share this cause I think I’m not the only one.